Humor Column

To all Juice Jam veterans: You are not alone in your indifference about going this weekend

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Juice Jam is mostly hype and a lot of promise. Whatever expectations you have should be lowered, says Humor columnist Josh Feinblatt.

UPDATED: Sept. 11, 2017 at 12:03 a.m.

To all the freshmen out there, I get it, Juice Jam is your first concert in college. You’ve seen the “I’m Shmacked” type of videos and think it’s going to be an orange-hazed combination of Coachella, Bonnaroo and Lollapalooza. You think Juice Jam is basically like “Coachellarooza.”

For upperclassmen, you have no excuse. Well, unless you were drunk and don’t remember Juice Jam. Well, I guess pretty much all of you have an excuse.

Juice Jam is a lot of hype and a lot of promise, but not a lot of expectations are met. First off, the names of University Union concerts don’t make sense: Mayfest is in April, Block Party doesn’t take place on a block even though Mayfest does earlier in the day and Juice Jam doesn’t have any juice.

At least Mayfest and Block Party are on main campus, but with Juice Jam, we’re provided the luxury of being herded onto cattle cars, school buses. Of which, it seems like there’s only two taking people to and fro from main campus. A hay ride would be more convenient: it would seat the same amount, take just as long and you’d be sitting on some hay at least.

Now, South Campus might not be the best place for a concert, but the fact that there are two stages is ridiculous. It doesn’t really make sense. nobody performs at the same time. Imagine going to the movie theater and there were two screens alternating between scenes. Instead, you have to hope one of the stages you’re next to is the artist you like.

Getting close to the stages is difficult mainly because you’re in a mosh pit being thrown around easier than the university throws around tuition money. Plus, you’re so sucked up in it, it’s hard to see or hear. Once you get out of the most pit, you can see better, but everyone is just standing around and one or two guys have their arms up awkwardly.

It’s barely noon and everyone woke up at 9 a.m. to pregame. We don’t need to deal with all of this. It’s hard enough to keep track of your friends as they wander off into the woods from a horror movie. Listening to music loud enough for you to hear noise but so muddled you can’t actually hear music, is not worth any of it.

What stinks is that the artists are usually pretty good. Even the people who aren’t the main performers are talented. But everyone shows up because they know one of the songs by the headline.

That is, of course, if the headliner even shows up. The fact that Fetty Wap didn’t show up last year and students weren’t able to get any type of refund is pretty much a bait and switch. Instead, this year I’ll put on a concert with Ed Sheeran, Drake and Rihanna. I’ll charge 30 bucks a ticket and then get my mom to sing karaoke. Sorry, guess I’ll just have to invest the money in my next concert.

Look, I want everyone to have a good day, but let’s not hype Juice Jam up as the concert of the century every single year. We all know it was the concert where Justin Bieber got a water bottle thrown at him. It’s an OK concert where you can have fun with your friends, but it’s more likely you’re going to be packed on that bus back to main campus drunk and disappointed.

Lastly, if Juice Jam was actually such a great concert, somebody in the Facebook group would actually want to buy your ticket.

Josh Feinblatt is a junior television, radio and film major. He’s actually never been to Juice Jam, he prefers to stay on campus and enjoy the silence. He can be reached on twitter @joshfeinblatt or by email at jfeinbla@syr.edu

The story has been updated for appropriate style.

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